Almost

Sometimes when an adoption situation comes along and then it doesn't work out, it is referred to as an adoption miscarriage.  These can happen early on in the process or at the very last moment possible.  Either way there is a loss . . . a grief for what could've been.

We are not strangers to these situations.  I stopped counting long before we adopted Leland, and I have never wished to keep track of all the times since.

This time, was a little different.  We haven't known how to deal with a situation like this, and there has been a lot of loss.

We were contacted about an emergency placement situation for a baby girl who had a traumatic birth (and special needs resulting from that birth).  That same night we were able to get all of our information to the agency (a different one than we have our homestudy through) and talk with the caseworker.

As the night progressed we found out we were the only solid couple (who had everything in order) and that we would be presented to the birth-family in the morning.  We would then hear from the doctor, and if the birth-family said yes, we would've needed to leave immediately for the hospital where the baby was at (a very long drive - across a few states).

As it turns out we were the only couple presented to the birth-family (even though several had come forward at this point).  However, they did not have time to make a choice as the doctor came bearing bad news.

The very young birthmother was still in the hospital (c-section and complications).  And the baby needed to be moved to another hospital's NICU so that they could better care for her.  Up until then, she was doing ok.  But, as they tried to move her the baby took a turn for the worst.

We didn't hear anything for several hours.

And then . . . the caseworker informed us they were leaving, as there would not be an adoption to proceed with unless the baby miraculously survived (their agency was also in a different state).

We were crushed.

Along with our grief, I couldn't stop worrying about this tiny baby.  I kept imagining her slipping away surrounded by horrible machines and cold hands.  I sincerely hope that she was not alone, or that if her young birthmother was released in time to be there, that she also did not have to deal with it all alone.

It was a horrible weekend.

Sunday afternoon the baby girl passed away.


People have told us it is probably for the best.  But, I think that devalues her life.  Would you say the same things had we given birth ourselves?

I believe life has more meaning than that, you can't trade one situation for another.  And, that little girl's mission in life may have only been to receive a body . . . but, we would've loved her if she'd had the chance to stay awhile.  No matter how severe her special needs may have been.

So, we are mourning a loss not only for a possible family, but for the possible life that little girl could've had.